she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
