I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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