omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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