she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
