I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
