addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
