theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
