I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
