clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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