this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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