I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
