i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
