I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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