So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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