I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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