I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
