Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
