He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
there is glitter all over my balls
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