just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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