Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
