Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm getting married
To pizza
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
