were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
