do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
