I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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