Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Pants are for mortals
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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