Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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