you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
