Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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