You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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