Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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