life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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