no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I would fuck him just for his dog
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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