I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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