Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize