you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
