i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
