Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
