During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
