Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
