So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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