Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
