I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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