I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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