When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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