The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
