Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
