this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm way too hungover for life right now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
