there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
