she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Church boner. Awkwardddd
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
