i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
